Today’s Pride Month (Extended!) Interview is with stay-at-home dad Michael Sonntag:
Hi, Michael! I hope you’re staying safe and healthy during current events. What are you doing to stay motivated in these unusual times?
Thank you, yes - we’re all doing well - a little stir crazy, but healthy which is the most important. I will admit that being motivated can be a challenge during these times - I think we’ve all managed to slack on schedules and things like that during this time. But honestly, with three little kids 6 and under at home 24/7 now, staying active and busy is not too challenging.
Since June is Pride Month, I have to ask: how has being gay influenced or informed your career?
Hmm… that’s an interesting question. I think it’s affected my career, and honestly my life in general, in a number of ways. Feeling free to “be myself” in every way fully - it’s allowed me to unleash my creativity and not censor myself in any way because I might be worried about what people think. It’s also allowed me to be more compassionate and think of others as I go about my day. Let’s face it - being a white male from an upper-middle class family in America, I grew up with a fair amount of privilege - and honestly never really faced a lot of challenges. But as soon as I came out - and as a result became part of a minority that people sometimes looked at differently (or even disapprovingly) - it changed the way I saw the world, and maybe for the first time, I truly understood what it was like to be marginalized. I had a good education, often focused on social justice - so I thought I was pretty aware - but facing adversity only because of who I was - that was a new thing. It made me so much more compassionate for others that face adversity in their lives, for all sorts of reasons, too.
You and your husband are raising three kids in St. Louis. What assumptions or prejudices have you faced as a gay couple with kids?
People might be surprised to hear this - especially since we now live in a red State (although the City of St. Louis is quite liberal politically) - but Nick (Kasparek) and I have not really faced much in the way of prejudice, as a gay couple with kids. At least, not overtly. I’m sure there are people that disagree, but we haven’t felt treated differently in any way. I think that’s a good thing - I’ve found it surprising for sure - and I think it’s indicative of how far gay rights have come in a short period of time. Plus, the fact that we’re choosing to live in places that we know are open to us to begin with. If people do ever say anything about it, it’s really very positive - they think it’s great. Now, in terms of assumptions, there have been some misconceptions at times, but they are mostly humorous. People assuming we’re brothers (and not married to each other) hanging out with our kids while our wives are shopping (that’s happened several times) - I think that’s funny! Especially when we explain it to them. Otherwise, it’s really just navigating things sometimes in a society that’s set up for one mom and one dad. Filling out forms, and having to fill out the “Mom” side (and skip the pregnancy questions). Being in a group of Moms, and not losing your male identity - but that’s with any stay-at-home dad, gay or straight, I think.
Adoption of children by gay couples is still under attack in the courts, spearheaded by the current administration. And on the anniversary of the Pulse massacre, the administration issued a new regulation allowing healthcare professionals to deny treatment on the grounds of religious belief. Do you think we’ll ever see a day where sexual orientation is not a roadblock to adoption, proper healthcare, etc.?
I certainly hope so. Just when it feels like we’ve come really far, there is a reminder of where we still need to go. It’s really so often about fear and ignorance. As more and more people continue to live their lives as their authentic selves, then I think that’s how we shift society. Nick and I have made an active choice to proceed through everything with our kids acting as if no one will have a problem with it. We know that’s not really the case. But it forces people to confront. And if we don’t act strange or put off in any way, it often diffuses them. It’s sort of like killing someone with kindness. Plus, our kids are little, and they should not feel anything is different. We have begun talking to them about how some people might see us as being “funny”, and we’ll need to address it with them more as they get older. But we want them empowered and self-confident, and living a life proud of our family and who they are. One last thing, specifically about adoptions - honestly, I don’t understand it. There are all kinds of different families these days, and there are so many kids in the foster care system in need of a good home. Kids need love. The rest can be filled in. Adults who love and care for them - whoever they are - that’s what’s needed, and it shouldn’t matter whether it’s one or two dads, moms, grandparents, etc. If there’s a want-to-be parent out there with love to give, why would we ever want to try to stop that??
On a happier note: as a parent, what do you think is the most important lesson for your children to learn?
It’s actually pretty simple - do what makes you happy, act out of love for your fellow man, and do something that serves the world. If we can teach them to follow these three simple guidelines, then we will be successful in raising content, caring members of society.
We can all use inspiration in these trying times. So what inspires you? What causes are important to you, and to your family?
I am inspired when I see other people making a difference. Whether it’s at my kids’ school, in our neighborhood, in the City, in the country - when people act unselfishly to make the world a better place - that’s what I find inspiring. It makes me want to get up and do the same. And thankfully, there are lots of examples. We have a multi-racial family - we are white, and our kids are Hispanic and African-American. After the death of George Floyd, the protests against systemic racism in the U.S. have been quite inspiring. I’ve gotten a chance to protest a little myself. It’s important that we stand up and speak to the injustice that has gone on for far too long in our country. It’s probably the thing I worry about most for my kids - we are teaching them already that not everyone treats each person fairly - and often, just because of the color of their skin. I want them to understand and FEEL what true equality is - and recognize that it is possible for them. But sadly, I also need them to be very aware that there are other people who don’t agree - and they need to be vigilant, smart, and protective at the same time. It’s something we’re going to really need to instill in them as they get older. We’ll eventually be having “the talk” with all of them - I wish it weren’t so.
Finally, is there anything else you’d like to say about raising kids in the 2020s?
It’s not easy! And doing it in a pandemic is something that we definitely didn’t account for. The world moves at such speed now - life just seems to fly past, and there are so many different pressures. Just trying to keep your kids healthy is a full-time job! And I feel that there are lots of resources available to help us navigate our way through this - it’s just about balancing life. Kids are way more resilient than we are. Our goal is to not let them grow up too fast - it’s great to be a kid, and we want them to have every chance possible to do that for as long as they can. It’s an awesome thing getting to be a parent (even an older one!) - we learn every day from raising our kids and they bring us so much joy, even when they’re driving us crazy. It’s about slowing down enough to enjoy this time with them because they grow up fast. I feel very lucky that I get stay at home with them right now - there’ll be plenty of time to do the other things in life later. It’s a cliche - but, they’re only this young once.
Michael Sonntag spent 25-years working in the entertainment industry in Los Angeles, CA as a film/tv/theatre producer, casting director, teacher, and actor, before moving halfway across the country to the greener pastures of St. Louis, MO to become a full-time Dad in Chief to his three little kids. In Hollywood, Michael founded and ran two businesses - as Executive Director of the non-profit One World Stage & Screen, and as President of Studio C Artists, a production, casting, and arts education company; worked as an independent producer in film and television; produced 35 theatrical shows, cast numerous commercials for clients such as Southwest Airlines, Intel, NFL Networks, Cisco, TV Land, Walt Disney Studios, and the U.S. Army.; and served as President of the Mid-City Neighborhood Council for the City of Los Angeles. Michael now spends his time in his most important role yet - as a stay-at-home Dad raising his three young children, with his husband, Nick Kasparek. He also currently works as a general contractor on the extensive gut-restoration of their 125 year old historic home, serves as President of the Compton Heights Neighborhood Betterment Association, and acts as President-Elect for the PTA at his kids’ school. If there’s any spare time left, Michael enjoys cooking, throwing lots of parties, and watching anything on TCM.