Rambling On

Anthony R. Cardno's Fiction and Commentary

MONSTROSITIES
The latest from
Jeremy C. Shipp

It’s been a while since I’ve interviewed my friend Jeremy C. Shipp (he of such bizarro fiction as Vacation, Sheeps And Wolves, the Stoker Award nominated Cursed Attic Toys (editor) and Always Remember To Tip Your Ninja, among others). His shorter tales have appeared in over 60 publications, the likes of Cemetery Dance, ChiZine, Apex Magazine, Withersin, and Shroud Magazine. Jeremy enjoys living in Southern California in a moderately haunted Victorian farmhouse called Rose Cottage. He lives there with a couple of pygmy tigers and a legion of yard gnomes. The gnomes like him. The clowns living in his attic–not so much.

He’s doing a blog tour throughout October, with each interviewer asking him FIVE ODD QUESTIONS. Here are mine:

 

ANTHONY: What’s the best recipe for Smurf you’ve found?

JEREMY: Smurf brain tacos. First you break open the skull with a nutcracker shaped like Gargamel, and you remove the brain. Put the brain into cold water with a tablespoon of vinegar. Leave the brain submerged in the water and then gently remove the membrane. You can check out the rest of the recipe in my cookbook HOW TO EAT SMURFS AND OTHER TINY CREATURES.

ANTHONY: Attic Clown or Bozo the Clown: Who would win in a fight?

JEREMY: The Attic Clown has a lot of respect for Bozo, so I doubt any argument they had would actually resort to fisticuffs. But if they had to fight each other in a Battle Royale-type situation, the Attic Clown would definitely win. The Attic Clown is a demon equipped with a whole arsenal of silly weaponry, such as exploding balloon animals and rubber chicken nunchakus and flaming pies.

ANTHONY: Complete the sentence: “Green is the color of ___________.”

JEREMY: Green is the color of projectile pea soup vomit. Green is the color of Vulcan blood. Green is the color of retromutagen ooze. Green is the color of Piccolo’s skin. Green is the color of Good Luck Bear’s fur.

ANTHONY: What really lurks in the subsurface strata under Denver ?

JEREMY: Underneath the substrata exists Bizarro Denver, a place devoid of sun, snow, and breweries. It’s an awful place.

ANTHONY: Why are Garden Gnomes so misunderstood?

JEREMY:

MYTH: Gnomes eat children.

TRUTH: Gnomes are vegan. Some Gnomes simply cook children for ogres, to exchange for shoe horns.

MYTH: Gnomes use urine to clean their windows.

TRUTH: That’s disgusting. Gnomes actually use chupacabra vomit as a cleaning agent.

MYTH: Gnomes can’t read.

TRUTH: Gnomes can read, though only after slaying and eating a fresh bookworm.

MYTHS: Gnome hats are silly.

TRUTH: That’s a matter of opinion, buster!

MYTH: Gnomes will murder you if you shave off their beards.

TRUTH: Actually, that one is true.

 

Clearly, Jeremy’s brain is a land of oddities and mundanities mixed in all sorts of delightfully clever ways. You can follow him on Twitter, Facebook, his website … and most importantly, you can find his latest collection, Monstrosities, available at Amazon for the Kindle.

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